The (Angry) Black Dog..

I read this article a few weeks ago. Something in it just seemed to ring true, and it wasn't the part about disciplining young children. ..

I was going to send it to my husband as a joke, with a comment like "ha, maybe I'm not just a bitch!?"

http://www.honestparenthood.com/discipline-depression/?utm_content=buffera9328&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

It's not funny any more though. ... I am really broken. And often feeling really alone, with this hurricane in my chest.

This is the section that resonated most with me:

" A parent’s depression during the toddler and preschooler years isn’t likely a sleep in and cry type, since that’s impossible, but rather a more irritable, everything pisses me off and I can’t enjoy anything type. You are less likely to recognize this agitation as depression, and think it’s because you’re just kind of bitchy."

Last night was the lowest I have been for a long time. I just felt like the pain inside was going to burst out of my chest and splinter me apart. My sweet boys watched on as I struggled to hold myself together enough to get through the dinner and bedtime routine.

I realised why the Black Dog is Angry. It is as the article says - there is just no time to lay in bed and cry all day. Instead it is contained. Ignored. Inside the chest cavity it swirls and festers. It gets stronger and darker. It starts creeping out in agitation, frustration and diminished tolerance levels. Exhaustion. Until one day, she takes a deep breath, and tries to calm herself - and then the tears start. An uncontrollable overflow of the turmoil inside.

Mr 2.5 came into the kitchen to tell me he loved me - finding me crumpled on the floor in the corner, he asked "why are your eyes so wet, mummy?"

Mr 11 later asked why I kept crying. When I shook my head, unable to verbally respond, he asked "does it feel like it's just inside you? Like a disease or something?"

I have made an appointment to start getting to the core of this. Hubby is supportive, even if he feels helpless. As Mr 11 astutely pointed out on the weekend, I seem to be "waging a war with myself in my own head".

This Angry Black Dog is no longer welcome in my home.